Father Time
We’ve all had this moment, where we feel so lost, so gone, so far from ourselves and maybe even this universe. But then something happens, something shifts. Maybe it was a song, a lyric, a melody? Maybe it was a drive, a long one, a winding one, one that led no where? Maybe it was the random conversation with the grocery store clerk? Or better yet, maybe it was an intimate conversation with someone you love? Regardless of what, there was a moment, a SHIFT. And that brought you back to you.
You start having the feeling of joy again, seeing the joy, being the JOY! You look at yourself in the mirror and say, “WE’RE BACK BABY!” All feels right again. Everything makes sense. It’s like you just got the secret to life. And hell, maybe you did!
God, do I live for those moments. I’ve had a few in my life. Big transitional times. It’s like I just beat the final boss of a video game. That’s how I think of my life sometimes, one big Nintendo 64 game. Super Mario Land, playing each level, while they progressively get harder. Each level has new obstacles and lessons. New characters to meet along the way, cheat codes to help you gain extra lives, and collecting treasures! When I think of life like this, it makes the difficult times seem less daunting and detrimental.
Life’s hard. I don’t need to explain that. We all know how hard it is and for different reasons. And we don’t need to play the game of whose life is harder. Circumstances could always be different, and that doesn’t de value or lessen our versions of our hardships. But I will say, a recent perspective did get me thinking.
“If everyone in the world wrote their problems on a piece of paper, and placed those papers in a hat, would you risk grabbing someone else’s or keep yours?”
KABOOM! Glass shattering moment for me. I heard that and was like, well damn. I definitely would not want to risk grabbing someone else’s. My problems are hard and challenging, but they could be worse. So that right away brought me to gratitude. Gratitude for my life and all the things that make it what it is. If it wasn’t for some of the hardest times in my life, I wouldn’t be where I am now. Those hard levels brought lessons and wisdom. Things I would have never received if I wouldn’t have experienced them. I am grateful for the good, the bad, and the ugly.
In the gratitude and reflection, I began to think of the lives I’ve lived in just these past 34 years. All of the different experiences that have shaped me and lead me to this moment. I still don’t have it all figured out, and honestly, I don’t think that’s the point anyways. I think that as we evolve, age, and grow, we learn each time how to come back to ourselves. Our truest form. Most authentic. At least that’s what this experience has led me to.
Coming back to myself time and time again hasn’t always been easy. Sometimes in the mix of lives, jobs, people, relationships, addictions, etc. We get lost. We lose our way. We escape. Sometimes our form of escaping is being consumed in the lives of others, distracting ourselves to help and heal them. Sometimes it’s in our vices and addictions, using things to help us cope or feel. Sometimes it’s in our passion and work, we delve all of our time and energy into something else, rather than ourselves.
Why would we sacrifice ourselves? Why would we not choose ourselves?
Self worth? Maybe?
Coping mechanism? Maybe?
Self sabotage? Sure?
Disassociation, not knowing any different? Okay?
The list could go on, and be different for all of us. Getting to your root is your solution. But something I’ve learned that has also worked, is time.
As someone who is probably too self aware for their own good. I’ve had times where I knew all the tools to pull myself back. To feel like me again. And still nothing changed. Wasn’t because I lacked the desire or willingness. I just needed time. Time to be in the uncomfortable of whatever it was, for the moment to finally come. Sometimes it felt like this prolific thing, and other times it was just so simple. Reminding us that we can constantly ‘work’ on ourselves, but sometimes, things just need to run their course. For forces unexplained to us, sometimes the lesson is all in the timing.
May time always be on your side.
Here’s a hilariously picture of a terrible clock tattoo on my side. From a long time ago, one drunken night where I thought having my best friend, who was also drunk with a tattoo gun, should tattoo this prolific thought.
Time on my side.
Enjoy the laugh, and see if you can find the missing number.
With so much love and light friends,
Alyssa :)
